By Robyn, age 17 (2004)
I’m staring at the person in the mirror
Thinking does anyone really see her, all the ugly, disgusting, unattractive fat
Wishing to be clean, thin and flat.
Everyday I go without putting the enemy in me,
Wishing staff, RN’s, kids, Dr.’s would leave me be,
They’re all trying to win me over, taking my control,
But I’m cleansing my soul.
I’m never good enough! Why, why, why?
I look at myself and break down and cry.
Many say you’re getting so skinny, you’re bones,
But they can’t hear my pain and moans
They don’t see what’s really there,
All they have to do is look and stare.
The dark, puffy circles around my eyes
The things I do to sacrifice my cries.
As the numbers drop day by day
She’s still thinking how much do they want me to weigh?
Food is dirty, unclean, fattening
As I continue to refuse my stomach’s flattening
Dropping, dropping toward her goal
To what she identifies as perfect
I’m punishing myself from what people stole
My self-worth, dignity, trust, to be a child,
As she remembers, she jogs thinking thin, thin…
with each exasperating step,
Forcing to burn the calories, the evil in her,
At night with an empty stomach,
She gets up to do her routine,
One, two, three …fifty …hundred
Now the fat is smothered.
Now she’s done, and can go to sleep
She’ll dream about how much more she’ll be loved,
If she lost some more weight.
She’ll have more self-worth and less hate.
Only if she was a few pounds less
She’ll be the best.
Now she’s coming, back to reality, she can begin
To see it, she may be thinner but doesn’t
Feel like the winner.
She feeds lost, weak, tired, and still imperfect.
I guess the 25 pounds she wanted to lose,
And lost she still feels the same
And still SEARCHING FOR PERFECTION.
After all mirrors never lie or do they?